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time and drug dealers pass you by [Sep. 7th, 2012|11:49 pm]
so, i was going for three or four month breaks between coke seshes. i'd go for a few months clean and craving lines and that sense of perfect pleasure in delicious white flakes. then i'd have a couple nights where id do line after line. when i was craving, i'd forget what its REALLY like to do coke. you just remember how amazing everything feels and how you could jump across lakes and rooftops and how eveyone is so funny and everything is so fast. you dont think about how your nose is always runny and dropping blood. or how the comedown makes you want to do anything to get more lines to hold it back. or how unless you get the really good shit, the high doesnt really last THAT long and is kind of a ripoff for the money you have to put in

anyway. after my last sesh with jessie, i decided to take another break. but lastn ight i was really craving it again and i called jessie. her phone had been disconnected. i called all my old friends who had hookups. none of them were answering or their phoens had swtiched. none of my dealers numbers still worked. the only dealer i still have only sells weed and mushrooms

i don't know where to get cocaine anymore. i stopped hanging out with these people for a little while and now theyve moved on withotut me. well. im sure at least five or six or them overdosed or gone to jail.

part of me wants to see this as a good thing and part of me just wants to find a trashy bar and just talk and schmooze until i find a hookup. i guess its a good thing im too fucking lazy to even think about looking for a new hookup right now.
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so thoughtful [Jan. 18th, 2012|07:24 pm]
jessie is such a sweet girl! when she was borrowing my phone to call her coke dealer, she saved his name and number in my contacts for me! that is so awesome of her.

totally deleted the number. sick of being some dealer's bitch.
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addiction/recreation [Jan. 15th, 2012|10:40 am]
last night was hella tight! at first, i was so fucking bored. the party was at my dealers flat and she declared it a no coke zone, and i took a few gravity bong hits, but nobody was very interesting and i zoned out on the couch until i started talking to a new friend, jessie! and jessie told me she had an AMAZING cocaine connection and we left the party early and scored! went back to jessie's apartment. we had sooo much fun. couple lines, 3 - 4 cigarettes. couple lines. 3 - 4 cigs. talked like crazy, we could not stop talking!! but when jessie asked me if i wanted to take half the leftover coke home, i said no, and when she asked me if i wanted to score some tomorrow, i said no. i even gave her all the cigarettes i had left.

when i was coming down, i didnt crave more. i felt like i was relaxing.

i guess, after everything, i still like getting fucked up, but i dont do it addictively or habitually anymore. i indulge the part of me that wants to be a coked up chain smoker one night every couple months, and then i go back to the straightedge life.
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3months and now [Jan. 14th, 2012|07:05 pm]
last october i went to this super-crazy party at my weed dealers house. everyone was smoking cigarettes and hitting bongs and i joined in and was soon ripped. around 9, becca said terry was taking orders for cocaine and i gave him some cash. around 10, he gave me my money back and said his guy wasn't coming through. around 11, after id burned through 4 more bowls and 5 more cigs, terry came back and said his supplier was coming through after all. at 1 am, a couple girls and i huddled up in the bathroom and we each did four lines and i felt amazing. smoked sooo many cigs after that.

haven't done coke since then. haven't even had more than one cig a week since then and i dont even feel like getting high. i used to feel like drugs turned my life into a crazy, fantabulous party, but now it doesnt and i only want to get high when im at a super fantabulous party.

and now tonight there's another party and i feel like my hands have been shaking all day. i bought a pack of cigs and some weed just for the party and i know there's another guy there who can score some good blow and im soooo excited. i know i shouldnt but its been 3 months and i want a night of drug-enhanced craziness. please don't hate me for wanting one night.
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retirement [Oct. 2nd, 2011|02:23 pm]
uhh. yeah. i made some quick cash doing bad things to hot boys in front of cameras. enough to pay off my dealers and buy enough pot and cigs to stave off coke cravings until i find a better job. well. one that doesnt have me risking getting hepatitis

wont lie -- getting paid to get wasted and fuck around was okay for a few months, but those fuckers will just use you up and throw you in the street once theyre done with you. i got out early and dont want to fuck around with the hard shit anymore
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new job [May. 14th, 2011|10:18 pm]
once someone told me that if i did porn i'd get all the coke i could snort

lies. its never enuff
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this is bullshit [Jan. 6th, 2011|06:09 pm]
i can't believe i once encouraged a really amazing lj friend pulling her life back together to do cocaine

i can't believe this fucking worthless journal talks about how destroying your body is cool and you should try it. im such a piece of shit

i hate myself and i dont have anything to make the bad feeling go away
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NO GOING BACK [Jun. 27th, 2010|06:12 pm]
all my friends are trying so hard to go back to the way they were. they want to delete all the shit they've smoked and snorted and shot up in their past; they want to pretend they never had the fun they did and go back to normal.

i can't do that.

i became a smoker, so i will always be a smoker. i might be a smoker who doesn't smoke or a smoker who does. i became a pot smoker, so i will always be a pot smoker. i might be a pot smoker who doesn't smoke pot or a pot smoker who does. i became someone who really dug cocaine. i will always be someone who really digs cocaine; i just might not be someone who does it. and i think if i have a choice, i would rather be someone who does

its like i have a choice between my common sense and going with what my body wants and i love my body

don't judge me
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much love [Feb. 23rd, 2010|05:35 pm]
i fucking love these shallow bitches

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STUCK IN A CIRCLE [Nov. 2nd, 2009|12:17 pm]
havent updated in awhile. my life is kind of stuck in a circle

dont want coke dont want coke dont want coke oh god im just going to get some so i know i have it if i want to do it but i dont want to do it but now i have it so i might as well enjoy it

snortsnifflesnortsniffle oh god this is perfect and i dont want to smoke cigarettes but since i have those too i might as well enjoy them

click click puff puff pufffff

i was talking to this guy in a bar and i stole his car keys and i called ella's dealer and told him to get the fuck over here right now and then i gave the keys to ella's dealer for blow

wont be going back to that bar for awhile

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